Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ash Wednesday

Went to Mardi Gras this weekend. I was ill prepared for the weather so now I am sick. Fever and cold. But I dragged myself out of bed to go to mass and get my ashes for the start of Lent.

On the drive there I was still wondering what I was going to sacrifice for Lent this time. Typically I attend Stations of the Cross but my Friday schedule will probably make that tough. I wondered what I could do. My main idea was taking a few steps closer to God. What can I do to accomplish this?

The first thing that came to mind was my blessings. I forget OFTEN of the many blessings in my life. Did I have it easy growing up? No. Did stuff happen to me that was out of my control? Yes. But now I am in control and I am making this life for me and my family. I think about that all the time as a working mom. Part of me feels like I need to be there more for my children. A bigger part of me KNOWS I need to demonstrate to them the value of hard work and seeing their mom succeed. They need to see me reaching for high goals so they can one day reach for the same. That was the role model I had growing up in my mother.

I digress..

Getting closer to God. Not that hard to do. Thank God for my many blessings and the chances I have now through his grace and love. I do always want to excel at everything I do. That is why one day this blog will be THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. HAHA! Rarely do I stop and look around at what I have and have accomplished. I am always striving for more! Reaching for higher ground. That’s OK, but there is a piece to that puzzle I hate to admit that I have. That unsatisfying feeling I have when I realize the goal I accomplished wasn’t the highest I could go. I can go farther! I always say I hate losing more than I love wining, so this ties in to that. I am happy. I could not be more happy. I just want the constant feeling of having to overachieve to go away. I can’t be the best at everything. I certainly have tried. People tell me I make stuff look easy. As they are telling me this, they have no idea how many times that day I have beat myself up for not doing better. It happens daily. I think sometimes it is my ultra competitive nature that kicks in but I am not sure if that is really it. I feel like it hampers some of my relationships outside of my family. I don’t want that. That is the LAST thing I want. I need my friends and my support groups.

My goal is to let that go. Giving thanks for my many blessings and praying for God’s grace daily I hope helps me accomplish the ultimate goal of strengthening my faith. I don’t know if it will work. I will give it my best shot. I doubt I will ever get rid of the ultra competitive part of me but I have to try to take it down a notch. I will always want to succeed. I just can’t let it dominate my thoughts like it does now. I will always strive to be better. I just want some inner peace while I am at it.

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