Feeling better and attacking

My back feels much better. I pushed a little at the gym today and I think I won't regret it. I didn't push as much as I could have, but I did push a little more than I thought I would. While I was doing my shoulder exercises, I was trying to focus on something other than fatigue. I zoned in on work and how I might attack the next challenge that faces me.

I have a delicate situation at work. I have to get involved in an account, but not really. It is very hard to explain. Friday, I told my boss that he needs to make a formal statement on the status of this very high profile account. He agreed, but asked that I craft a draft for him. UGH! I am in the process of typing the first draft and I am sure it will go through many revisions.

One of the biggest challenges I have will be managing the people that have been on this account for a long time. They are going to remain there, but I am somehow going to be governing this account from behind the scenes. I don't think two of the guys will like that. Yes. I forgot to mention that all the people on this account are male. Not one female. The irony of this whole thing is that one of the guys I will now manage was a guy that showed me the ropes at work when I first got to this company. I do have the feeling that he will attempt to take advantage of me in different ways. It is always awkward. They completely ignore me when I am in meetings with them. I know I will have to start asserting myself at some point but I have this huge learning curve to go through. This is a big all around challenge and I have to focus on how I am going to attack. While it may seem easy to start on the people part, I need to look at the big picture. A strategy needs to be either formed or carried over. All we are doing is firefighting now. We can't live like that any more. I made my way in to an issue today. While I spent the day trying to gather info and really figure out WTH was going on, I got a message from my boss asking me the same question. I had an answer. I gave it to him and the team and he said "You have this under control. Just keep me informed." UGH! I really don't! I am glad he thinks I do but now I really have to get things under control.

While I was shoulder pressing, I could not help but smile about the challenges ahead of me. I smiled because I live for this shit. I live for the pressure and the chance to elevate myself. I can't be scared to fail. If that happens, I will be paralyzed. I don't have time for that. I must move, even if I misstep. Men are often allowed to make many mistakes. Women don't have that luxury but I think I am in an unusual situation. I may be allowed to stumble. I am looking forward to the chance to fall on my face, dust myself off, then attack again.

Themes

I know I said I wanted to use this blog as a way to vent. Now I have shifted my focus. There are several things I want to do with this blog.

Challenges as a working mother

I was washing the dishes today when I realized it had been a while since I used a colander. That got me to thinking...when was the last time I cooked a meal for the whole family? It has been a while. I think that when school winds down, I will be able to do this at least twice a week. Right now, we typically don’t get home before 7:30 pm. It is just our lives. The kids are very active after school and I teach 2 nights a week. Next week, my daughter is performing but I have a leadership meeting at work that conflicts. I know I can get out of attending the meeting, but I also want to be at this meeting. I know I will go to the school but I want to be present to my company as a leader, which brings me to my next thought...

Leadership

I have mentioned YODA a couple of times here. I want to be Yoda to my readers. I want to inspire others as well as have them learn from my experiences. I recently attended a leadership seminar where the speaker talked about “claim and grant”. I tried this during my yearly review with my boss. I told him I wanted to take on managing a large section of the business. I told him why I was the right person to do it. He nodded and said it sounded like I had thought about it and he was willing to do it. I didn’t think about this all on my own. I have been in many interviews and yearly reviews where I talked about the past and tried to explain why I was worthy. I don’t do this any more. I talk about vision, strategy and the future in these meetings now. This is a small example of what I want to pass on to anyone who decides to read this blog.

Sharing my life for real

I love my family. I love the life we continue to build together and I am so proud of them. But I want to share the “realness” of what it means to get to the top of the mountain. There are so many irritations, tough times, and sadness that have gotten us here. I am done with platitudes. I want to be real with everyone I meet and share my reasons. You might laugh, but the Bruce Jenner interview that I watched last night gave me that idea. I have lived long enough to stop hiding and start working on the person I want to be. I can’t do that without being real. I have many faults. I embrace them because they make me who I am, but I won’t let them rule my life or define me. I will find ways to overcome them or things to do for myself when I feel them coming on strong. I would like to share those struggles. 

GEAR

I often get asked where I get my clothes or how I put them together. I am happy to share my thoughts on this with my readers. I still think of myself and a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl, but no one  I work with would EVER think that. I try to look “the part” every day and before I walk out of my room, I ask, “is this the best version of me that I want to present today?” Sometimes that sends me back to the closet! HA! I am all about looking like a leader, no matter if it is in the office or at the gym.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas?

Change

My company is going through some changes. These are good, I think. But some people are not reacting well. I have to admit, I am very nervous. I want to help lead this change but I have so many questions. There are some very valuable people that are getting caught in the crossfire or putting themselves in the crossfire. It's strange. While I want to be supportive and move forward, I hate that these changes will lead to some big losses. I am sure most companies go through this and I try not to get too personal but it does affect me. I am passionate about my career and the things I care about. I don't want to lose any good people because I want to DOMITATE. I have only been at this company for four years but I want to win and I want to do what I have to do to win. I think about it a lot. These are the moments when I am silent. You can tell I am thinking or something is up when I am quiet.

Schedule changed at my gym. I didn't agree with it but I will roll with it if it is what the team thinks is best. My Tuesday class at work is going away. I actually gave that one up. If I want to focus on my career, I have to start giving up some things. One of them might be my classes at work. That's ok. I don't have to be in charge of everything! I have to let some little things go so that I can focus on the other areas of my life. I will miss it but I still have Thursdays.

My kids. They are growing fast. It is never more evident than when my parents are in town. My daughter is now taller than my mom and my son is not far away. She was in a play this weekend. She looked so grown up and like a star on the little stage. It was surreal. I didn't get to watch the whole thing because I was manning the concession stand. :) My son is something else. He is finally maturing..slowly...but it is happening.

All this change has my head spinning. It is time to get myself organized and focused. When I feel like I am in a cloud, I know this is what I need to do. It is scary...sort of. I need to widen my line of sight and listen. LISTEN. I am constantly learning from everyone around me. It is like the more I learn, the dumber I feel. HAHA! I can't let that hold me down. It hits me for a second but then I am back. Lots of changes. Lots of challenges. Time for leaders to step up and I am a leader. As a leader, I need to get back in the game and get out of this cloud. This cloud will kill me.

Balance

I was out of town last week at a conference so I am behind. I am behind on everything.

My house is a mess, at least I think so. It just feels cluttered. It is not a HUGE mess.

My kids need help in school and I have been on autopilot for a while. They were doing so well so I just let it go. They did too! HA! I feel like I took my eye off the ball for a second and now they are dropping the ball.

I feel behind at work too. While I like having these conferences, esp SSTB, I hate that I get behind. I suddenly feel the stress building up in my shoulders and it goes all the way to my heels.

At the time I started this post, I needed help with balance. I am ok today. I am caught up at work and home. I feel better. What helped me was getting my thoughts organized by putting pen to paper. I made a list each day at work of things I needed to accomplish that day. I didn’t go crazy. Just chipped away day by day. It worked. By Friday, I was jumping ahead to other things and planning for stuff way in the future.

At home, all I had to do was talk to my partner, TA, and we made a game plan for the kids that week. I also decided I would increase their chores by 1 each, just to make sure they remain focused through the end of the year. Last week was not bad. They picked up their pace and finished the week stronger than they started.

I guess the main idea here is to get organized, ask for help, and find an outlet. I did all those three things and my shoulders feel fine. HAHA!

Venting

My post yesterday was therapeutic. I went to bed feeling better and today I have a clear head about my "stress".

This is all self-imposed stress. I need to quit. I have stress at work. Trying to cut a budget to save jobs is stress. Going to a conference and worrying about my knee is not really stressful. It is annoying but is it really stress? Stress is worrying about how to feed your kids. Stress is wondering how you are going to pay the light bill. We all have our own levels of stress but I feel like an ass for complaining about the things I complained about last night.

Truth is, I have a very blessed life. I was looking at a picture that someone posted of my daughter last Friday at school during Go Texan day. She looked super cute. Cutest girl in the school that day. That picture hit me like a ton of bricks though. She looked so grown up. I hated that feeling of her being an adult and not being in our house every day. I love that girl. She is the most amazing person I know. Why am I always stressed? I have a great life. I have set it up to be busy and now I am complaining? UGH! I gave myself a reality check last night and let all that crap go. I will get through the week and do all the things I have to get done with a smile on my face and with some grace.

There is a friend of mine that is constantly complaining on her FB about the every day life of raising an 18 month old daughter with her husband while trying to have a career. Her complaints irritate me. She hates being criticized but is the first to criticize other moms. I could go on and on about her but I won't. I mention her because she is a constant reminder to me to be grateful for my beautiful, healthy family. No need to complain about homework, schedules, and lack of sleep. I have it easy compared to others. This is my attempt to be a little more relaxed.

I was stressed all weekend and why? Nothing I was doing really was life or death. Why do I stress so much about the kids being tardy to school? So what? Who really cares. It is not like it goes on their record as a negative. I'm in traffic gripping the steering wheel trying to get there as early as possible. Time for me to focus my attention on the thing that really matter and not whether or not my son has the proper belt on for school that day.

I don't know how I am going to do this but I am going to try to start releasing some of this "stress". It's not stress. It is just a semi-full schedule. Nothing we can't handle. I am going to stop using the phrase "super busy" and "crazy busy" and see if that helps. I am sure this won't be the last post I make about how off I was previously but I am working on it. I am a work in progress. My husband wanted this blog to be cathartic for me. So far, so good. Thanks babe!

Ash Wednesday

Went to Mardi Gras this weekend. I was ill prepared for the weather so now I am sick. Fever and cold. But I dragged myself out of bed to go to mass and get my ashes for the start of Lent.

On the drive there I was still wondering what I was going to sacrifice for Lent this time. Typically I attend Stations of the Cross but my Friday schedule will probably make that tough. I wondered what I could do. My main idea was taking a few steps closer to God. What can I do to accomplish this?

The first thing that came to mind was my blessings. I forget OFTEN of the many blessings in my life. Did I have it easy growing up? No. Did stuff happen to me that was out of my control? Yes. But now I am in control and I am making this life for me and my family. I think about that all the time as a working mom. Part of me feels like I need to be there more for my children. A bigger part of me KNOWS I need to demonstrate to them the value of hard work and seeing their mom succeed. They need to see me reaching for high goals so they can one day reach for the same. That was the role model I had growing up in my mother.

I digress..

Getting closer to God. Not that hard to do. Thank God for my many blessings and the chances I have now through his grace and love. I do always want to excel at everything I do. That is why one day this blog will be THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. HAHA! Rarely do I stop and look around at what I have and have accomplished. I am always striving for more! Reaching for higher ground. That’s OK, but there is a piece to that puzzle I hate to admit that I have. That unsatisfying feeling I have when I realize the goal I accomplished wasn’t the highest I could go. I can go farther! I always say I hate losing more than I love wining, so this ties in to that. I am happy. I could not be more happy. I just want the constant feeling of having to overachieve to go away. I can’t be the best at everything. I certainly have tried. People tell me I make stuff look easy. As they are telling me this, they have no idea how many times that day I have beat myself up for not doing better. It happens daily. I think sometimes it is my ultra competitive nature that kicks in but I am not sure if that is really it. I feel like it hampers some of my relationships outside of my family. I don’t want that. That is the LAST thing I want. I need my friends and my support groups.

My goal is to let that go. Giving thanks for my many blessings and praying for God’s grace daily I hope helps me accomplish the ultimate goal of strengthening my faith. I don’t know if it will work. I will give it my best shot. I doubt I will ever get rid of the ultra competitive part of me but I have to try to take it down a notch. I will always want to succeed. I just can’t let it dominate my thoughts like it does now. I will always strive to be better. I just want some inner peace while I am at it.

Work and Fitness

Last week, my company had a conference out of town that I attended. It is a customer specific conference where we have discussions and presentations all day. It is amazing how we get all these very smart and impressive people all in one room all at once.

So many smart people in the same room

Great subjects. Great energy and great passion around all the subject matters. One of the things I stress about at these conferences is my eating. It is not always that easy to find the "healthy" alternative when the main dish on the menu is alcohol. The conference started Wednesday. I got a small workout in before I left town that morning. Wednesday night was not good. Lots of food and lots of booze. I know I don't HAVE to partake but....

Thursday morning I am feeling gross. I snuck out of one of the sessions and did GRIT Strength in a little corner in the hotel gym. I really pushed myself and I have the bruises to show for it. They didn't have a free straight bar so I had to do the clean and press with a curl bar. OUCH! My thighs! I went up in weight and I could feel it! Thirty minutes, and I was done. Ran back to my room, showered, and returned to the conference. I know I got a good one because I was sore the next day.

I am going to post a pic because I wanted to talk about my necklace. It was a little out of the box for me to wear a necklace like that. I should do that more often. Lots of people liked it. I love gold with black. I used to only do silver or black with black outfits but I am expanding. I like popping a little color with the black outfits.

Post GRIT workout...back to work

Before the evening festivities, I called home twice. The second time, I caught my husband. He sounded so tired. He was studying with the boy and the boy was struggling with his spelling words. Sounded like things were not going well so I hung up. I began to feel bad for not being there to help. I know what it is like to be there alone and studying with one of the kids and they are either not in to it or not getting it and you are dog tired. GUILT! Mommy should be there to help. Does he ever feel like this when he travels? I have no idea. I have never asked him. Maybe I should. Then again, I am working RIGHT NOW! I got out of the room and on with my night. I ran in to another mom of two that I admire that works for my company. We chatted for a while and I felt better. I had to get in work mode before I saw any of my clients so I was glad I ran in to her. We vented to each other and then got in to business mode and took off. I purposely wore tight jeans so I wouldn't over eat, even though I wanted to wear the loose skirt. NO WAY! I am on a mission. They may have been too tight so I better get my ass to the gym more often.

The evening was great. I discussed relevant business for the next 4 hours and logged in that evening to send messages to Asia on the different issues that came up. The next day was easy. Another round of great presenations and only a half day. All the clients looked very pleased with the outcome of the conference and the alignment we gained in that time. I love my job. I am glad to finally find a company to call home. My four year anniversary is coming up at this company. Feels like I have only been here a year. I am still learning every day and excited to learn. That's a good sign. I now feel like I can spread my wings and take on more of a leadership role here.

I am also exhausted but I live to fight another day! I have an extra busy weekend coming up but that deserves its own post.