Change

My company is going through some changes. These are good, I think. But some people are not reacting well. I have to admit, I am very nervous. I want to help lead this change but I have so many questions. There are some very valuable people that are getting caught in the crossfire or putting themselves in the crossfire. It's strange. While I want to be supportive and move forward, I hate that these changes will lead to some big losses. I am sure most companies go through this and I try not to get too personal but it does affect me. I am passionate about my career and the things I care about. I don't want to lose any good people because I want to DOMITATE. I have only been at this company for four years but I want to win and I want to do what I have to do to win. I think about it a lot. These are the moments when I am silent. You can tell I am thinking or something is up when I am quiet.

Schedule changed at my gym. I didn't agree with it but I will roll with it if it is what the team thinks is best. My Tuesday class at work is going away. I actually gave that one up. If I want to focus on my career, I have to start giving up some things. One of them might be my classes at work. That's ok. I don't have to be in charge of everything! I have to let some little things go so that I can focus on the other areas of my life. I will miss it but I still have Thursdays.

My kids. They are growing fast. It is never more evident than when my parents are in town. My daughter is now taller than my mom and my son is not far away. She was in a play this weekend. She looked so grown up and like a star on the little stage. It was surreal. I didn't get to watch the whole thing because I was manning the concession stand. :) My son is something else. He is finally maturing..slowly...but it is happening.

All this change has my head spinning. It is time to get myself organized and focused. When I feel like I am in a cloud, I know this is what I need to do. It is scary...sort of. I need to widen my line of sight and listen. LISTEN. I am constantly learning from everyone around me. It is like the more I learn, the dumber I feel. HAHA! I can't let that hold me down. It hits me for a second but then I am back. Lots of changes. Lots of challenges. Time for leaders to step up and I am a leader. As a leader, I need to get back in the game and get out of this cloud. This cloud will kill me.

THE TALK

I decided last week that I was going to have “the talk” with my daughter this week about her *gulp* period. I also decided I was going to break this up. I will talk about the science and medical terminology of her cycle. She is not ready for the emotional side of it. She has no interest in boys just yet. No need to rush the “this is how you get pregnant” speech. She’s 11. She’s a young 11 that still likes to snuggle with us every night and mostly just wants to play with her brother. Not ready for that.  At least I don’t think she is.

It went well. It was fast. I showed her a video I found online and I paused it to discuss different things  about it I thought the video skimmed over too quickly. I told her this was just the start of our talks. She may not have a bunch of questions for me tonight but she can ask me questions any time about this. I will need to work up the script for the boys talk. I was given a slight glimpse of this a few days ago.

We went to Lost Pines in Bastrop this week for Spring Break. The weather wasn’t that great but it we still had fun. The girl said some boy was talking to her in the lazy river. She told us at dinner. After the story was over she said “it’s obvious he liked me.” I had to tell her that just because a boy pays you some attention, it doesn’t mean he “likes” you. It can, but mostly it doesn’t. I saw her face drop for a second, then a light bulb came on in her head as if maybe her mommy was making sense. TA didn’t like this story. He wanted to know what he looked like so he could eyeball him. HA!

I am just glad that the talk went so well. She asked me a lot of questions. Mostly logistical questions. It wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be in my head. My talk lasted a long time and came with a very weird brochure. HA! My mom is a nurse. The big questions from her was how to track your period so you don’t get surprised at school. I will have the sex talk later. I am sure most people won’t agree with my approach. That’s ok. I know my kid. She will handle this better in chapters.

Saturday Workout

We are not really doing anything for Spring Break until the middle of the week. We sent the kids to the Y for Kids’ Night In. I decided I wanted to do a heavy weight workout their first hour in there.

I am FEELING it today. Since I had that “incident” with my knee, my goal has been to strengthen my glutes and hamstrings. I can tell where my weaknesses are now after that workout. I did a heavy back workout (heavy for me) and I am feeling it today! I am sore all over. I love that! I am hardly ever sore after a workout anymore. I did some extra stuff and was just about to finish with 5 minutes of core when TA told me, “They close in 15 minutes.” UGH! I still had to shower because we were going to dinner at Jonathan’s The Rub.

I hate showering at the Y. HATE. I always forget something. This time, I forgot shower shoes. Gross, I know. This is going to sound so rude but I would like SOME privacy while I shower. There are always these older women in the shower when I want to go in there and they are letting it all hang out! I am just not there yet. They just glare at me. I don’t look at them but I can FEEL them looking at me. DON’T LOOK AT ME! Maybe one day I will be showering at the Y and there will be a younger and fitter woman trying to take a shower and I will glare at her too. MAYBE! I am sure I will have to shower many more times at my YMCA but it will never be my preference...unless I can shower in the kids’ locker room...but I am not a creep!

Again, I digress...

My back workout started with heavy bar hand cleans in to a half squat. Three sets of 10. After each set, I would do 10 deadlifts. Those hurt. I wasn’t wearing gloves so when the bar got heavy, I felt like it was going to fall out of my hands. In between sets, I did 15 push-ups and 1 minute hover. That was only 1 super set.

I got to use my wireless Beats by Dre earphones again. I cannot stress how much I love those things. I can easily do burpees with them on and they never fall off. I did a total of 30 burpees (did them in between the leg press sets) with no issues.

That was MY TIME. I finally got an hour of my time in a workout. When I teach, while I LOVE it, it isn’t my time. It is my class’s time. I don’t get to zone out and focus on pushing myself during class. I  get to do that when I workout alone. I love it. TA was watching me workout and afterwards he told me, “You were getting after it!” I love that he said that. He is the KING of difficult weight workouts so to hear him give me a compliment like that made my day.

We had a great dinner with no cell phones out. He forgot his which made my day. :)

I wish the sun would stay out! I am sick of this rain and cloudiness. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate when we go to Lost Pines.

Balance

I was out of town last week at a conference so I am behind. I am behind on everything.

My house is a mess, at least I think so. It just feels cluttered. It is not a HUGE mess.

My kids need help in school and I have been on autopilot for a while. They were doing so well so I just let it go. They did too! HA! I feel like I took my eye off the ball for a second and now they are dropping the ball.

I feel behind at work too. While I like having these conferences, esp SSTB, I hate that I get behind. I suddenly feel the stress building up in my shoulders and it goes all the way to my heels.

At the time I started this post, I needed help with balance. I am ok today. I am caught up at work and home. I feel better. What helped me was getting my thoughts organized by putting pen to paper. I made a list each day at work of things I needed to accomplish that day. I didn’t go crazy. Just chipped away day by day. It worked. By Friday, I was jumping ahead to other things and planning for stuff way in the future.

At home, all I had to do was talk to my partner, TA, and we made a game plan for the kids that week. I also decided I would increase their chores by 1 each, just to make sure they remain focused through the end of the year. Last week was not bad. They picked up their pace and finished the week stronger than they started.

I guess the main idea here is to get organized, ask for help, and find an outlet. I did all those three things and my shoulders feel fine. HAHA!

Venting

My post yesterday was therapeutic. I went to bed feeling better and today I have a clear head about my "stress".

This is all self-imposed stress. I need to quit. I have stress at work. Trying to cut a budget to save jobs is stress. Going to a conference and worrying about my knee is not really stressful. It is annoying but is it really stress? Stress is worrying about how to feed your kids. Stress is wondering how you are going to pay the light bill. We all have our own levels of stress but I feel like an ass for complaining about the things I complained about last night.

Truth is, I have a very blessed life. I was looking at a picture that someone posted of my daughter last Friday at school during Go Texan day. She looked super cute. Cutest girl in the school that day. That picture hit me like a ton of bricks though. She looked so grown up. I hated that feeling of her being an adult and not being in our house every day. I love that girl. She is the most amazing person I know. Why am I always stressed? I have a great life. I have set it up to be busy and now I am complaining? UGH! I gave myself a reality check last night and let all that crap go. I will get through the week and do all the things I have to get done with a smile on my face and with some grace.

There is a friend of mine that is constantly complaining on her FB about the every day life of raising an 18 month old daughter with her husband while trying to have a career. Her complaints irritate me. She hates being criticized but is the first to criticize other moms. I could go on and on about her but I won't. I mention her because she is a constant reminder to me to be grateful for my beautiful, healthy family. No need to complain about homework, schedules, and lack of sleep. I have it easy compared to others. This is my attempt to be a little more relaxed.

I was stressed all weekend and why? Nothing I was doing really was life or death. Why do I stress so much about the kids being tardy to school? So what? Who really cares. It is not like it goes on their record as a negative. I'm in traffic gripping the steering wheel trying to get there as early as possible. Time for me to focus my attention on the thing that really matter and not whether or not my son has the proper belt on for school that day.

I don't know how I am going to do this but I am going to try to start releasing some of this "stress". It's not stress. It is just a semi-full schedule. Nothing we can't handle. I am going to stop using the phrase "super busy" and "crazy busy" and see if that helps. I am sure this won't be the last post I make about how off I was previously but I am working on it. I am a work in progress. My husband wanted this blog to be cathartic for me. So far, so good. Thanks babe!

Stress

My first stress post. I can predict there will be more. I will number them once I get going, but, for now, I will just call this one “Stress”. Maybe I should number them so I can see how much I whine. I hate whining.

Crazy week. Everyone says that about their weeks but my head is still spinning. I took the lead on budget cuts for our department and helping my boss meet his budget goal for the year. 20% cut. Ouch! This would not be bad if I had been involved in the budget the entire year and known where the numbers came from. I don’t. I am doing a deep dive in to each category I was asked to evaluate and I have 1.5 days to do it before I leave town for a conference.

Tuesday through Thursday I will be in NOLA for a conference. This only stresses me because of my exercise program. The stress has doubled because I ran a 5k this weekend. I have not run in 8 years. I knew I was in good enough cardio and physical shape to finish and finish strong. My company put together a team of almost 30 people to run either a 10k or a 5k.

Half of our run club team

Stacy and I pre-race

I did it. I finished strong. I went WAY faster on the last mile than the other two. My goal was to pass 20 people. I passed way more than 20. One day later, I remember why I don’t run. My knee is KILLING ME. I have had trouble with my Iliotibial Band (IT band) for the last 8 years. I first noticed it after a 4 mile run 8 years ago. It has been trouble ever since. It has never hurt this bad in 8 years like it does today. It hurts to walk down the stairs. So frustrating. I have been to numerous doctors and spent so much money on trying to get this fixed just to have it ruined in 30 minutes. I am scheduled to teach Bodypump tomorrow and I am trying to figure out WTF I am going to do. Still haven’t found a sub for my Wednesday class. I will probably have to stand in front of the class on Monday with little to no weight on the bar for squats and lunges or get a sub. I hate this. I am also worried about the conference. How am I supposed to walk around for 2.5 days with pain like this. Just typing this, I know it must sound trivial to whomever is reading this but I am so upset. We all have setbacks but I am tired to this one. I just want to be able to bend my knees to pick up something without worrying if I will injure myself while I get up. This is stressing me because I want to exercise while I am in NOLA. I don’t know how I will do this. I typically work from early in the morning until very late at night at these things.

The budget. It is hanging over me like a dark cloud. Cut or cut more heads. I don’t want that. I received pretty good news on it on Friday about our progress but I still want to get it completed so I can move on with my normal job. Our performance evaluations are due tomorrow as well. I hate those things. I spend so much time writing them and then they become meaningless. 

My kids are taking their standardized tests this week. Good week for them to do this because I will be out of town. They won’t have much homework. But now I am stressed about their eating and if they will get enough sleep while I am away. I stress about my husband’s stress level while I am away. 

This is one of those time where I know I need a few days off. Typically, I would handle this stress by exercising but now that option is limited. I need a release. Maybe I will meditate. I don’t think that will work but I can give it a try. 

Work

My health

Conference

My kids

My husband

My other job

=

Stress (right now)

Any suggestions that don’t cause me to empty all the liquor in the house are greatly appreciated. :)